Will I ever be able to create a good companionship? Will I be unable to speak up my whole life? Will I ever have the have the motive to initiate those little conversations that won't end up screwed? Why must I always do this? I don't like this part of me... I'm just too awkward. Must I always analyze myself? I think I'm just a very awkward person. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I know too many people and I don't have much in common with most of them. Thus, I can't think of what to say... making many things too awkward. I am even too awkward around a lot of my close friends. This makes me wonder about my wanting to be with him or her. Perhaps this is the way I am and is a part of my flaws. I don't wish to be a very awkward person at certain points when I talk to certain people. It's just in me and I can't think of something to say and/or making the conversation all awkward and random. I'm not knowledgeable in most things, so this cuts off a lot of common ground with everyone. They will just know me as an acquaintance who knows nothing of this world and is too deprived. I'm not so scared to let everyone know this anymore. I was once naive and ignorant of who I was, never wanting to admit my faults, always shying away from the truth. Now, I'm alright about this, but I sometimes don't know what to say to people because I never have anything to say. Anywhere I go, I want to talk to someone. Sometimes, I'm lucky and talk spontaneously. Other times, I become nervous and can't seem to find any conversations to begin. When others start them, I feel like that I could be the one doing it, but I don't feel this as much as I did.
This flaw of mine will prevent a lot of the potential bonds I will make in the future. Some people think of me as a guy who can break the ice and never feel awkward around people. I think that I sort of am this kind of guy but I'm not at the same time. I'm the follower. I can't start many things, so I must be led. Maybe I can change by going to Stuyvesant Seekers Leadership Meetings... Perhaps...
When I speak, just too awkward most of the time. This is usually when it's one on one conversations. This is why I prefer being in a group with 2+ people since the others can start the conversations and I can always add random comments and potentially say things to say.
Haha... I need to break this awkwardness somehow. I need to ask some people... and learn myself. I need to find some way to become more spontaneous and less oblivious at the same time (starting to break that bad habit). Well... WISH ME LUCK!!
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awkward? perhaps you should use a different word. same with "deprived". there is no such thing as being truly deprived or awkward and you should just look at yourself in a different light instead of looking down on yourself all the time. this is kind of irrelevant, but everyone always tries not to pick apart the flaws in others and instead end up picking apart themselves. have some confidence and truly believe that people enjoy being around you and that everyone knows you and loves you the way you are right now, so don't try to change too much.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you are right. It's not like i totally want to have a dramatic change, but maybe in a little bit that won't affect me so much.
ReplyDeleteI think that my self esteem isn't very high, but I try not to be down so I think this is usually the time when I'm the hardest on myself. I have actually heard people say that to me many times before, like never change and like you said, dont change too much... I'll try to look at myself in a different light... but I dont want to be conceited or anything. How should i do this... Maybe you can teach me (:
I think your awkwardness is endearing :)
ReplyDeletealthough I'm sure you mean it in a different way, not just your stuttering and whatnot.
but I think it's good that you acknowledge it, and you're not shying away from this trait of yours, like I usually do.
"I'm not so scared to let everyone know this anymore. I was once naive and ignorant of who I was, never wanting to admit my faults, always shying away from the truth."
(: usually when things get awkward I run away from it, which is why I avoid one-on-one conversations a lot.
and I totally agree with the 2+ people group heh.
good luck! I'm sure you'll learn to strike those random but special conversations with experience.
now that i read it over.... just from the first sentence... i think i sorta over-dramatized it...
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