Update #2~

okay so i dont feel like totally explaining everything with detail.. ill just say some random things about yesterday and today
yesterday i had the day off and did absolutely nothing besides watch avatar, spongebob and play warcraft.. and today was the first day of the 2nd term! (: and i got a lot of the old teachers which is good. im not in math enriched anymore... im in stupid math... aka regular math... and yeah (: im in art now... not so great since i have a crazy legally blind teacher... and im in band too!! intermediate but i was in it last term too :/ yeah... im planning to try out for SING! band tmr i hope at least... and do good or maybe thursday because they are probably going to do it again on thursday but i have to find a song to play right now... for tmr..
and i have a crappy bio teacher this term... Ms. George.. who i hear is infamously infamous... mhmmm thats how she rolls... i hope she doesnt hate me gah! and well i didnt do much really important and i have 8th period lunch and lots of cool people have this lunch with me so at least the end of the day lunch isnt so bad =/ yeah... this update has been extremely short but its alright i guess... and also i have a full schedule now and i cant slack off anymore and now some of my teachers will actually make me do work... so do you know what time it is now?
ITS WORK TIME!

1-31-08!

Okay so from now on I'm going to try and record all of my daily events and as an ONLINE JOURNAL

sooo umm yeah ill try to say things in detail in a fun to read manner (: but im too lazy whatever ill do it anyway!!

okay so this morning I woke up at 8:40 or whatever and chinese school started at 9:30 and i got there at like 9:40 but im always late... and my teacher doesnt care at all...
Today Marked the first day of the chinese term yay!! hopefully i can learn something this semester and maybe take the SAT IIs for chinese... Then I cut the last half of class and left school at 11:00 am! except kevin stayed cuz he had to go study with brendan i think and idk how to spell his name at flushing library at 1:30 so he just didnt go to church. Then at around 11:20 i got there. It was a joint service and especially special since it was the first joint service where the big and little church people get together!!! in other words elders and youth, LIKE ME!! (: and kevin.
I wish that Kevin will decide to go to church with me one day and like going. I hope that it won't be something for him to be seen as a bother but as a blessing... yeah (:
Today when i went, i was the only one in my family who went. I say this because we can actually bring our parents to these kinds of services and get closer to them... The only problem is that I went all by myself. When I first walked in, i was all happy and sat next to Deborah! (: . But then When i saw first saw Julie and that she brought her mom, i felt really guilty that i didnt push my mom enough to come with me to church because she actually didnt mind going. Soon after i saw Joanne with hers... =/ Then soon enough, I really started to feel down and that I was the only person in my family there and that not even Kevin was there. And I eventually felt really empty in the end. 'Tis why i wrote a post on emptiness last post... and I just felt depressed a bit later and THEN WE WENT TO KISSENA!!!! YAY!!! ~cut

Yeah and at church i was trying to make "come and hither" faces which im still not too sure of what that means... and omg THE WEATHER today.. AWESOME 41 DEGREES can you believe that?? well its amazing since every day is extremely cold except for todays.

~Continued (:

except it took forever to get to where we wanted since we went on a treacherous journey. Like the way we took to go there was filled with big mud piles... thin sheet of snow, ice, water, EVEN MORE MUD and MY SHOES GOT FRIGGIN DIRTY -_- yeah and like Luke started throwing snowballs so i did so too... except i forgot to bring my gloves... so i said whatever and started throwing em (: and along the way Joanne fell on her but and got muddy xD lol sorry Joanne. This was like around.. idk 1 or 2 o clock i dont remember that this whole journey happened. it was first departure from church. then walking to booth memorial then kissena blvd after messing around with ice and snow and mud. then to oak ave but in the process walking in a field of mud and screwing up my shoes in the process... And i was with conner and joanne at this time (: then we went to a part of kissena with swings and like dan crashed into rebekah in the process of doing this and winnie recorded a video of this lol. and like i was having a snowball fight with conner.. and he won -_- but i still managed to hang onto him while my bad was on the floor getting wet -_- and of course with no mittens nor gloves (: GAH this is taking forever
AND SO.... we left after and like we walked 30 minutes or 20.. idk to Lukie's (thats what Esther calls him i think) house and like yeah... we watched handcock and i played an awesome card game called GOLF but I LOST EVERY TIME man which sucks. In Handcock... i made some comments that were supposedly awkward or something i forgot the word Curlific used, but like i was saying how Aaron (the superwoman;s kid) was ugly and how he was going to be scarred for life (seeing Handcock xD ,not like that,dead and stuff and his mom and gun fights and yeah.. but its a movie so who cares (: ) mhmm... and then we worshiped in the living room which motivated me to do the blog post before this too. But i thought that it was amazing and that the day was amazing. I wished that it could last forever but things in life cant last forever but it would be awesome if it did. Today was really stress-cleansing-ly yeah i hope that made sense YEPS (: and thus i went home and played warcraft III (:
I hope that I will have enough patience to write other posts like this in the future... LIKE EVERYDAY which im planning to do (:

okay IF YOU READ THIS.. you have no life or that my post was REALLY INTERESTING or that you just wanted to and thank you
lol bye (:

From Oblivious to Empty...

Why do I always feel empty? I feel like I'm not looking in the right place. It feels like that I'm merely just pleasing myself with temporary things and I hate it.

Today at church, Pastor was talking about the love of the heavenly father. My memory isn't good enough for me to remember everything that He said. I remember that he mentioned something about our earthly fathers that we shouldn't always look up to them since they made mistakes. Also, he said that since our parents grew up in a different culture, their "ways" of raising the kid is much more different than today's. For example, some American kids don't even grow up with their fathers since of jobs or divorce and in China. They're with each other 24/7 and develop a closer relationship with they're fathers than we probably would or I would... I'm very grateful for my dad that he actually stayed home with me all my life. From when I was a kid, he was injured and can't walk properly. Because of this injury, I've been able to see him everyday when I get home and there's not a day when he's not. Maybe I take the presence of my earthly father for granted. I've never really thanked him for being there for me all my life because I've never really knew what its like when he's not there. I wonder what it'll be like in the near future when all sorts of things happen when I get older and things happen...

Today I realized that the only way really to rid of my empty feelings is to seek more of God. I usually decide not to look for God first and I just find some other pleasure to fill my emptiness. Although these pleasure may be here, I'm sometimes just down and empty inside. I don't like the feeling of brokenness. This is just always there.

Before I mentioned being oblivious. This oblivious state isn't the right word to describe me now. I can say that I'm starting to feel empty. But these two feelings are about the same feeling to me in emotion-wise except I'm just calling it empty instead of oblivious now...

To rid of the feeling is to seek God for haven. I now know that any other way isn't as successful than seeking. To seek, I must pray more, which I haven't been doing much. Now I feel like that I can pray more with my heart. I know that I will seek other things instead of God first but this is going to be my declaration over the internet (: I'm not sure what the declaration really is but I'm just going to leave this as it is.

end of finals!! (:

Yay!!! It's the end of finals week. I'm so happy!!! Now i feel like i can do all the crap i can now and not feel guilty!! ~for a while that is... Today I took bio test... and it was semi easy/ hard... (not thats what she said because im trying not to be a big pervert) and also easier than expected. This is probably because yesterday i spent 6 hours cramming what the whole term's bio lessons into my head.. and it actually worked!! (with the help of a CD that like had lessons to every chapter (: ) and after bio which was the global final... also crammed because Ben spent 40 minutes cramming the whole term;s worth of bio into my head... actually learned a lot but probably going to forget it all.. oh well...

Went home with Joanne Julie Winnie Tyrik LITERALLY... after QCM (is the M necessary?) and they like freeloaded off of my APARTMENT SPACE which i hope makes sense... and like winnie sat on my pillow -_- which im not quite fond of and sorry for yelling at you xD i was pissed off around that time because julie and joanne were like... making fun of my non stop for like 30 minutes because i have too many friends who are girls.. WHICH IS ANNOYING and im still ticked off by that
you better beg for my forgiveness or else im never going to talk to you guys again
COMMENT IN THIS POST and i forgive you (:

and after i went home i went to church (: and played uno stack-erm thingies... idk and scrabble!! which i suck at apparently... because i such at it but i made obscene words such as pen0r and (a bundle of xigars- haha xigars get it? haha! no? alright...) yeah so that was my day... bye

update?? a bit

I havent wrote on my blog for a week so ill just put something in now...
I don't really have much deep things to say but I'll just say that its hard to always have a good state of mind where you know what to do and where you know what you should be doing. Also, I haven't prayed much recently so I hope that I will catch up with all those missed prayers. ):
Right now I was studying for tomorrow's math final and after that I'm going to study with Julie!! yay!!!! I can't wait. I have to prepare for that tonight. We're supposedly studying for the bio and ss finals this friday. I hope i do good on them and that we'll study really really mucho hard. Well Thats it for now. TIME TO STUDY
bye!
and trumpet skillz are getting better because im practicing... yay!

Awkward

Will I ever be able to create a good companionship? Will I be unable to speak up my whole life? Will I ever have the have the motive to initiate those little conversations that won't end up screwed? Why must I always do this? I don't like this part of me... I'm just too awkward. Must I always analyze myself? I think I'm just a very awkward person. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I know too many people and I don't have much in common with most of them. Thus, I can't think of what to say... making many things too awkward. I am even too awkward around a lot of my close friends. This makes me wonder about my wanting to be with him or her. Perhaps this is the way I am and is a part of my flaws. I don't wish to be a very awkward person at certain points when I talk to certain people. It's just in me and I can't think of something to say and/or making the conversation all awkward and random. I'm not knowledgeable in most things, so this cuts off a lot of common ground with everyone. They will just know me as an acquaintance who knows nothing of this world and is too deprived. I'm not so scared to let everyone know this anymore. I was once naive and ignorant of who I was, never wanting to admit my faults, always shying away from the truth. Now, I'm alright about this, but I sometimes don't know what to say to people because I never have anything to say. Anywhere I go, I want to talk to someone. Sometimes, I'm lucky and talk spontaneously. Other times, I become nervous and can't seem to find any conversations to begin. When others start them, I feel like that I could be the one doing it, but I don't feel this as much as I did.

This flaw of mine will prevent a lot of the potential bonds I will make in the future. Some people think of me as a guy who can break the ice and never feel awkward around people. I think that I sort of am this kind of guy but I'm not at the same time. I'm the follower. I can't start many things, so I must be led. Maybe I can change by going to Stuyvesant Seekers Leadership Meetings... Perhaps...

When I speak, just too awkward most of the time. This is usually when it's one on one conversations. This is why I prefer being in a group with 2+ people since the others can start the conversations and I can always add random comments and potentially say things to say.

Haha... I need to break this awkwardness somehow. I need to ask some people... and learn myself. I need to find some way to become more spontaneous and less oblivious at the same time (starting to break that bad habit). Well... WISH ME LUCK!!

starting to get lost

It's only been what... not even two days since i met weiheng. It sure it easy to lost your train of thought and what you should pay attention to when you sin. But, I have to try to get back on my feet. Tomorrow, Ill have to try harder. May I find my priorities again.
God Bless

Untitled Day Well Spent- so far

Thank you Weiheng for taking your time out to speak with me today. Gosh, I believe that I have learned a lot from you and that I can help myself after today. There were many things that we talked about today but I think that they are in my subconsciously. The most important thing that I learned today was that I need good time management skills. Without this, my life will start to crumble and fall in ways that could determine my future with God and my relationships with people. If I start to plan out my days and my daily responsibilities, my future will be looking bright. Weiheng told me some of his top priorities and think that they should be mine too.

1. God
2. Family
3. Church
4. School

If I live my life with these priorities, I believe that I can change in ways God has planned out for me and that I can keep strong relationships with those around me. As a result of keeping these as the tip top of my time management things, I will have to plan out my time from now on. I will have to think ahead. I will have to think about the decisions I make today and how they will affect me in the future. Hopefully none of them I will regret. I need to put God first. Without God, everything else will crumble. If God is number one, I know that He will help keep me on track so that my daily decisions on what I do with my time is productive. My daily decisions should be planned out and I should know what to do with my time. I should plan out my whole week and who i need to spend time with and what I want to get done. Perhaps, after homework, I can pursue a hobby or something else that i can keep dedicated to. The time I have is precious. Everyone in the world has the same amount of hours in a day and its how we use God's time that counts. If I use it correctly, I can make the proper relationships with my family and friends and I can be successful. Church is definitely something that has changed me. Weiheng told me that from the first time he saw me to this day, I have changed and I will continue to change but with time. I will learn slowly as I get more experience. Then one day I may be Weiheng talking to the next generation of this church. Maybe my friends have seen the change in me, but I haven't shown my family any. Perhaps my social skills and relationships have improved and that I can make more friends easier, I haven't made the relationship with my family closer. I've just failed to tell them the truth of my heart and self and to use my time correctly with them. It's the relationships in this world that count and that can make wonderful. The relationship with God, the relationships with family, the relationships with people, the relationships with my church, all matter in this life and time needs to be spent to make these relationships.

When Weiheng said that our church is growing, he said that he can see hundreds of people in church. He said that he can see everyone of us growing and that we have changed from a year ago.

With God first, I need to also think about the reality of my life. Of course I need to put Him first and that i need to believe in Him, but my life will be nothing if I don't have him watching over my reality. I need God to give me time management skills to determine my own SAT scores. I need God to motivate me to concentrate on my homework. I need God to dedicate myself to things that are important and time well spent. I need Him so I can use the time I have so I can accomplish something in a day. If I think about the day, I want to to be a successful day with lots of things accomplished. Then maybe one day, in a successful one, i can say that I've attained a higher attention span, became a better trumpet player, strengthened the bonds between me and God and his children, that I've had a successful study session. I need to be creative when it comes to my time. Weiheng said that we need creativity when it comes to our time. How can we use it to its fullest. He said perhaps if he wanted to spend time with David Choi and that he wanted to watch a movie, he would go to the movies with him, or if he wanted to study, they would have a study session. I believe that I can be successful and that I can use my time as good as he does. I believe that I can use the time now that I am young so that my future can be set. I need to learn to discipline myself so I won't end up broken and empty. I need to use my high school life doing this. I need to find some goals to pursue and also some talents to improve with character because talents can get as beneficial as it goes with your own character because it your talents only go as high as your character and how you use them.

And so I wish to dedicate my self to God and pray and praise him with all my heart and all my soul. I put him in the highest place in my life.

And so I wish to spend more time with family and that our relationship will remain stable and loving. I need to apologize to them for my faults and mistakes that I have done upon them so that i won't be twisted up on the inside and hurt my relationship with them.

And so I wish to keep strong to the church. If I do, I know that I will become a better person and witness things that are blessings to others and blessings unto me.

And so I wish to use my time more wisely when it comes to school. Without my heart into school, I will fall astray in life and I may never pick myself back up again.

And so I thank you Weiheng for the time you have spent with me and you truly have been a blessing. GBU (:

May I continue to become a better person and witness you Lord.

Amen.

Dedication

Every Friday after church, I always have the intention to write a blog. Since I'm always so motivated after talking about the bible, I will take this opportunity write about how I felt.
Yesterday, we talked about our talents and spiritual gifts in first Corinthians 12. First Corinthians 12:1 says, "Now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I would not have you ignorant". Then somewhere after this, it says the spiritual gifts: the word of wisdom, the word of knowledge by the Spirit, faith, healing, prophecy, and speaking and understanding tongues. These spiritual gifts were given to us from God. They are not meant for us to Ignore them and to be negligent of our talents, but to develop them in the name of God.

I know that God has given me a purpose in my life and that I've been blessed with certain talents and/or spiritual gifts. I have yet to know what most of those are but I know God will reveal them to me if I start to develop the ones that I already have. Perhaps, I may already know what my purpose is, but I am not ready to serve it yet. Last Sunday, I learned that if I am not prepared for God, I will never receive Him.

Remember what I wrote in a blog once or practically implied? Joanne told me in a comment that I shouldn't be so eager to grow up and to "enjoy the journey". I think that I understand that more. After speaking with Julie, I realized that I shouldn't "deliberately change [my] course of action" to achieve something. This can have different meanings but I mean it in a way where I don't hurt myself and don't feel empty in the end. But, I do wish to change on the inside.

This is where I will mention dedication. When you find something that you are good in, you would want to dedicate yourself to it. I think that dedication and determination go hand in hand since you need to be dedicated in something before you are determined to do good at it. There are many things that I wish to be dedicated in and so, I will decide to be more dedicated in certain aspects of my life and certain decisions that I will dedicate myself to. I'm not going write them down since I have to keep them to my heart. If i forget about them, then I really won't be dedicated to it. So from now on, I will just live my life as I know it and try not to over think too much. If I find a talent, I'll develop it. If I find anything that is important, I'll also dedicate myself to that. But I will have to dedicate myself in my dedication.

Expression

Hmm... I just wanted to talk a bit on expression. Expression is the art of expressing oneself (definition by me). And well, everyone has a way of expression. Some people's may be to dance, others playing and instrument, and singing! To me, I think that blogging and always writing my thoughts is a good way of expressing myself and keeping me from oblivion. I also have other ways of expression, but I don't think this is a better way of doing it.
Alright so yesterday, i went to Aftershock! I never really said anything about it in my blog nor anywhere else so ill just describe it a bit. My church wanted to go to another church called Christ's Tabernacle Church (i think) in Glendale, and there's an awesome event every friday night called Aftershock. This starts at around to 8 and ends at around 10. Yeah, so we went there and at first i was amazed by the spirit of the chorus that they assembled. But then i was sort of turned of by the breakdancing and rapping, but I like it in the end. Like what David Choi said, "we were all blessed in our own ways" and i do think that i was blessed.

ONE LIST ITEM ACCOMPLISHED!

If I remembered to take a picture of the future room I'm going to sleep in, I would post it. Too bad i forgot to do it. So anyways, after inspiring myself after posting a ton of my feelings toward things I have, like having my own room, I spent FIVE HOURS cleaning up that room. I woke up at 11:30 and worked on it to 5 with little breaks, just eating breaks. OMG and tomorrow before and after church, I'm gonna finish cleaning it and I'm gonna have my own room soon! OMG I CANT WAIT! that's all i wanted to say for now
YES! ONE LIST ITEM ACCOMPLISHED!

THE LIST pt. 2

CHURCH:
-INVITE AND MAKE PEOPLE GO TO CHURCH
-i need to invite some saplings to church and then they can stay and stick like glue with us isnt that great?
-RESEARCH TECH, AS THE NEW TECH PERSON
-well... now im gonna help luke i need to start do this diligently and learn things by myself
-GET MORE MUSICALLY TALENTED
-TAKE THE INITIATIVE
-GET INVOLVED, talk to my fellow church members more- BROTHERHOOD, sisterhood
-BLOG ON HOLY.HOTLINE MORE
-FIND OUT MYSELF INSTEAD OF OTHERS TELLING ME
-HOW TO DO THAT: JUST KEEP UPDATING MYSELF AND SEE WHATS GOING ON IN THE CHURCH TO NOT ALWAYS BECOME SO OBLIVIOUS
-LEARN TO TALK BETTER WITH MY FELLOW BROTHERS AND SISTERS
-CARE FOR BROTHERS MORE, GET MORE INVOLVED WITH THEM

MUST DO:
-CLEAN MY FUTURE ROOM THAT IM GOING TO SLEEP IN
makes life easier
-KEEP A CALENDAR
-KEEP A COMPUTER ORGANIZER WHERE I CAN KEEP ALL MY INFORMATION

THE LIST

Okay so, tomorrow is saturday and i want to clean out that empty room in our house because i REALLY want my own room. My work place is literally a place where i just chill. There's too many distractions and I shouldnt wait for my mom to clean it for me so ill just do it myself. I know that theres a lot of work to be done so ill have to work hard.
Once i finish it, ill start being more organized and ill start feeling more independant because i think that i really need to grow up and the way that im being raised right now is not the way to do it.

Also here's a MUST DO list for ALL TIME pretty much.

-THINK THINK THINK
-once i have a quiet room, i think that i wont be as oblivious as i am right now since i can actually have a quiet space all for myself and think of some random things like life and all other things that i can brainstorm
-CHURCH CHURCH CHURCH
-the church youth group im in, called interphase! because we came up with it today at Dan's house, is something i want to stick to and have dedication to, its very important to me and i want to put it above many other things in my life, i appreciate my being in this group and i thought that none of it was possible if it werent for my parents sending me to OLA since thats where my mom met jennifer's mom (i think its her mom who introduced it or dad found it himself) who introduced us to nationwide. and there i met jet and he practically changed my life forever, if it werent for him, i would be so much different, like a different person and i think that i would be a less mature and i dont know where ill be if i didnt meet him. because of him, i met winnie, joanne, william and we wanted to do a nationwide reunion, and because of that i met deborah and everyone else right now, like dan luke, rebekah julie david choi derek, i really just thank him for this life that God's given to me. Im just so grateful for all of this
-READ BOOKS
hehe, i think i really am deprived like julie said, i dont know any books in the library, so i think that ill ask her to recommend me some books if i have time to read them in my stuyvesant career, i really hope that i wont get much work so i have time to do what i have on this list, im putting what i actually think right now so my mind isnt so jumbled up later when i try to actually think of this since i dont think its possible when i have as much time as i do now without much stress
-CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN
-cleaning also helps me with my individuality and feel more responsible since my life can be more organized and i feel like i actually did something around the home rather than sitting there, and cleaning is just great overall and i plan to clean up that room tomorrow
-BEING MORE SERIOUS
-i think there are times when im not serious enough and times when i just fool around too much, sometimes i try to say things that arent spontaneous and it bothers me because i know that its not who i really am and i want to be more serious and actually show what my real personality is, and more serious i dont really mean like a boring person but perhaps im tryign to mean is, that theres a time for seriousness and i havent been so serious in those moments, so when i can actually be serious and try to contribute something, like in a serious brainstorming session, i can actually accomplish something in the end and i feel like that i actually got some work done because i havent felt that way in a while and i sort of feel guilty now that i notice how i dont put my heart into things and i dont feel so satisfied once its done since usually other people do it for me and i dont want to be that way.
-BE MORE FOCUSED IN LIFE
-what i mean is like, im too oblivious and non caring when im in those serious situations i said before, and not just in those situations, i mean that i want to pay attention to more things, i want to actually do something in a space rather than just being there listening to things that go into one ear and go out the other. I want to be more focused in life so i can absorb what i hear and remember what i see rather than just not caring where i am and i just go wherever people tell me to, i want to have my own opinion in things i want to participate in the real issues, the real talks, contributing my own ideas, the real events, the real life that i should be having and i think that right now im yearning for the things that i just said before, this is what i really mean and these are the things that i want to be from now one
-LEARN TO COOK
-today when i saw all the guys cooking i felt really bad, i felt like, what julie said, ive been really living under a box for my whole life, i never really decided to do things that i will have to learn before college, like cooking! and this year i should try to learn how to cook and learn other essential things that i need to know in life, like taking a calendar like i said before and like responsibilites that i dont know right now since i dont know any, i need to ask other people about it so i can actually learn them this year and get things accomplished
-STOP BEING A KID
-this sorta goes along with being serious but its very different, i havent been a good young adult, ive really been a kid, i ignore many people that i dont want to say right now, and i space them out and just talk to the people that i want to talk to, but i felt like that a while ago and i think that ive fixed that particular problem a bit but i still need to stop being a kid, i need to start having my own responsibilites, like doing my own laundry and buying essentials that i need to live, like grocery shopping, keeping lists that i need to buy, doing lists that can keep the house running, for ex. cleaning the bathtub that recently did, who;s going to do that? whose going to clean the bathroom? who's going to clean the bird cage that ive been making my dad do for more than FIVE YEARS
-FIND WAYS TO MAKE MY LIFE MORE EXCITING
- movies? reading? once i get my own room spice up life more because its so boring, once i get have my new room i can spice it up, jazz it up actually putting stuff up on the wall having my individuality, finding myself which i havent done in the last 14 years I want these things in my life to be more exciting
-FIND A HOBBY
- just some easy things to do for ex. rubik's cubes, read EW, journal, i really need to find somethign to take up my time, but this doesnt mean that its going to replace my study and homework time, because those are really important and i need to stick to my words when i say those things
-LEARN TO STEP OUT OF LINE AND TRY TO ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING
-dont just sit there and do nothing, try to actually absorb what im listening to, also like when i am given a chance to pray in church, i should just take that chance that i have so i can step out of line and do someting, and trying to actually learn something, i have to take myself out of my comfort zone, lose some pride that i have and try to get some talents
-BE MORE OBSERVANT
-If i become more observant, ill be able to actuallly absorb things and be able to repeat them like if im studying diligently, ill be able to teach someone else that ive learned in that time period
-MAKE MORE EYE CONTACT
-dont avoid conversations, umm this isnt as big as the other ones but i still think its important, i should make more eye contact, for reasons like i need people to be serious with me and theyll know if i make eye contact, i cant just look away when someone is talking to me and i they are expecting a response, ill just say something related to what we're talking about and ill be good
-STOP BEING A LAZY BUM
-im too lazy, ill never get anywhere in life, and also should stop labeling myself as a lazy bum because if i keep saying that, ill really be one and thats not how i want to live my life being so oblivious if im lazy
- right now i cant get anything done, im too lazy in my current work space and position, im on the couch and its just so hard to do anything in the spot im in and it just promotes more laziness and to be more unorganized
-PUT WORK FIRST AND STOP BEING SO LAZY
-I always go on facebook and never actually do things, i always bs them in some way and i dont want to go through the rest of my life like that, Being lazy is really messing me up and i dont want to live that way
-LIVE OUTSIDE THE BOX
-today i noticed how i have been living inside a box for my whole life and i want to start seeing the world as it is
-now i have to find my responsibilities in life, i need to find some talents that i have so i can actually feel good about myself and show girls how im useless like i am right now since i dont do anything when time comes when i actually can, im clueless in what i should do and im just a follower right now who does have much skill and talent to pass off, i want to actually get some so i wont feel miserable about myself
-LESS FACEBOOK
-facebook wastes my life and homework time, it comes in the way of my other goals
-MORE BLOGGING, INSTEAD OF FACEBOOK
-this blogging is my internet journal and i can keep up whats going on in my life because ive been forgetting things lately
-PRACTICE TRUMPET
-i want to practice trumpet more because i dont want to regret putting away another potential hobby that i have, i actaully need to have the dedication and courage to play it since ill be playing in Lincoln Center soon, and I dont want to feel bad about myself when Chih, the pro, plays it all while i mess around and screw around in the background. I should actually be more independant in my playing, i keep my own beat, i know when i should play, i should lead, and none of this will be possible if i dont practice, also when time comes when my friends actaully hear me play, like how luke suggested that i can play trumpet in the worship team, ill know what im doing and ill be ready when that moment comes. and of course, i want to mess around with the trumpet too, i need to find new ways to improve myself and more musically talented
-MOVE PIANO INTO MY NEW ROOM, so i can practice it
-i want to actually mess around in the piano during my free time and i dont want to go upstairs everytime just to mess around with it, id rather keep it in my room so i can get some talent in that too
-ORGANIZE COMPUTER
-my computer is a mess... i need more space, i need to fix the external harddrive, i need to know where my things are, and i think i want a new labtop.. seriously, so ill get a job and then i can get a new computer, wow i think thats the first time i actually wanted to buy something myself with the money that i make myself (will make), and now i just thought that i could make a banking account when that time comes, when i work and want to start saving money
-ORGANIZE MY WORKSPACE AND JUST EVERYTHING IN GENERAL
-my workspace on this couch on this small table is practically the worst place ever, i want my own space to do my work and i wont feel like an individual with all the distractions around me...
for example, the tv is on right now, kevin is playing warcraft, its just too distracting in general and i cant really get anywhere in life either without having my own room and workspace, i think its just impossible, and kevin said that i can be able to work anywhere, but i just want to start having my own room, i want to have the feel of having a close secure room where i can have my own time, think about things, do work, wake up by myself, everything that i want to do soon
-SIT PROPERLY
-i need to sit properly because my back will be screwed up and grow into an S shape and i dont want to have back problems when i grow up
-START TRYING TO LEARN CHINESE
- i should actually try and absorb what im learning, and this relates deeply in how im oblivious and all, once i actually learn some things i wont regret it for the rest of my life, like when i have kids, i dont want my parents to teach them, i can actually do it myself, and i think i can learn if i buy some books and a dictionary so in my free time i can learn Chinese and perhaps i can do the same when im studying for SAT subjects too and of course the regular SAT
-START TAKING CARE OF THINGS
-in other words i have to be more responsible and take care of my responsiblities, i cant let someone else do it for me, i want people to actually view me as someone reliable and someone who they can trust to do work for them in a way thats acceptable and in a way that can wow some people
-BE MORE CAREFUL IN ACTIONS, WORDS, and just overall and to not be so clumsy
-i just need to watch what i say and be aware of other people's feelings what i say it and in actions, i cant let people feel left out and i can show myself that i can be a good Christian
-IN TIMES OF DISCOMFORT, TRY TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL BETTER and HOPE FOR THE BEST
- when my friends or someone i know is in need of help, i have to prove myself in ways that i can actually help them feel better rather than just standing there, so in the future i need to equip myself in certain aspects and ways so these people can feel better
-TRY TO GET SOMEWHERE IN LIFE
-DONT LIVE UNDER A ROCK
-STOP BEING SO DEPRIVED AND ACTUALLY LIVE A GOOD LIFE, and to live a good life, ive pretty much explained my ideals for it in what i wrote before.

So now im going to make other lists that are going to be very important in this upcoming year

New Year

Well yeah... its a new year. So far in my vacation i havent really done much and i thihnk that its pretty sad how i dont have that much motivation. So, Today I will try to get something done. Last night i actually tried to do something that could prove beneficial for a certain person, perhaps a note to a person who attempted suicide? I dont know. But Im proud of myself for actually doing such a thing. Im usually not so true to myself in journals or notes to myself like this one but im trying to make it work. Today's thurday. And this is the only time where theres two four days vacation in a row except we have two weeks off which is so awesome. I've written a new years resolution note on facebook. I think ill post it up here too.
1. Enjoy life to its fullest and always look at everything with a right heart
2. Stop being so prejudiced
3. Supposedly to get muscles, not going to happen, and Get pro-er in tkd!
4. Take less things for granted- parents, brother, friends, life
5. Read the Bible (because I don’t read the Bible right now)
6. Learn to pray better
7. Learn to swim
8. Improve church in unimaginable ways
9. Find opportunities to do things that I won’t regret
10. Find a hobby- maybe knitting xD
11. Become closer with my friends
12. Get pro-er in trumpet
13. Become closer with my friends
14. Get a job/ start volunteering
15. Use less money
16. To find a bit more meaning in life
17. Find a life-long occupation that can somehow relate to psychology or philosophy
18. Become less deprived
19. Get smarter-preferably with an average greater than 91
20. Get better in Biology and math
21. Eat properly and not starve myself/ stop eating so much kfc
22. Finish things diligently and not trying to get it over with
23. Get better at Chinese
24. Read more than 5 books, and more in general
25. To fix the broken bonds that I share with certain people
yeah here it is but i dont think most of these i can stay true to because some didnt really come from my heart and that i couldnt think of any.... and right now too lazy to punctuate properly nor use sentences correctly.
I'm not sure what to write right now (lol write right) and yeah... i need to be a more organized and dedicated person. and i hope that i can be this coming year (: